A Year of Song: My Daily Ditty Challenge

I have decided I don't write enough. Enough lyrics, that is.

Suzan Lori-Parks did a 365 day challenge (a play a day), and others have as well. So I'm doing mine. The Daily Ditty. My lyrics on someone else's music. Every day. Some will suck. Others will suck less. Maybe.

Since today is my birthday, I'm starting off with birthday songs. Email me your birthday and I'll try to put you in a ditty. Today's tune is Don McLean's American Pie.

Thanks to amazing coach Lea Boyer for the inspiration to do this. 

So, without further ado, here goes  - and please sing along. I can hear you, so no slacking off!

(to the tune of “American Pie”)

Long, long time ago

Maybe only one “long”–

I wrote lots of lyrics every day.

But somewhere there along the line

That all changed, which was kinda fine,

But now I’m feeling that is not okay.

 

So as a birthday pres to me

I’m list’ning to the voice that says to me:

“Write a daily ditty,

Whether wise or witty.”

 

So with birthday songs – like deep knee bends –

A work-out nod to famous and friends

And if it sucks I’ll make amends -

Today, the Daily Ditty starts.

 

Three hundred and sixty five

Finding shiny rhymes for folks both dead and alive

Wait , that sounds too easy! Put a limit on time – I’ve  

Got 30 minutes max every day

For jumping jacks every day…

 

Who wrote the book on love?

And who has faith in God above?

If you said Kathy Harper Gilbertson, you win the prize.

 

And who believed in rock and roll?

So much he lost his earthly soul –

A genius, Jimmy Hendrix, but not so wise.

 

And who’s the funniest gal around

With the quickest quips, pound for pound?

Yup, that’s Lenore Skenazy

And she bakes like crazy

 

This girl had put some money down

On a pair of ski pants then left town

I bought Caroline Kennedy’s ski pants – orange, not brown

Her b’day today – and the Daily Ditty starts.

 

Three hundred and sixty five

Wrangling jangly thangs for folks both dead and alive

Darn, this isn’t easy but I vowed I would strive 

For 30 minutes max every day

And that’s my jumping jacks for today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Music You Should Know from WOMEX 2014

Just finished 4 days in beautiful Santiago de Compostela at the World Music Festival.

Here are some wonderful artists you should know:

Ester Rada - Wow. She totally blew me away. Israeli-born Ethiopian singer. Soulful "Ethio-jazz." Think Nina Simone meets Lauryn Hill meets - well, herself.

Maarja Nuut - a fiddler and singer from Northern Estonia. She plays and it records and loops and she sings and plays over it, dueling and trio-ing with herself. Spooky and lovely.

Troker - what jazz would sound like if truckers listened to it (and maybe they do). Jazz, metal, all sorts of crazy stuff from Mexico. They rocked their Saturday night show at WOMEX. 

Happy listening!

 

Stories Wanted - the Anxiety Project


Musical Theatre writer/producer/blogger David Brush reached out to me about a fascinating new project he's started. With The Anxiety Project, David and composer Rachel Dean want to help people suffering from depression and anxiety by turning their stories into songs - and a show (just what we love here at Hope Sings!).

If you want to share a story - your own, or one of a friend/loved one -  check it out

Rachel Dean (composer) and David Brush (lyricist) began writing together after participating in "Across a Crowded Room" - a program of the New York Public Library. Since that time, Dean and Brush (along with bookwriter Andrew Lease) have launched THE ANXIETY PROJECT with the assistance of Crazytown: An Artist's Asylum. By collecting personal stories of struggles and triumphs of Anxiety and Depression disorders, and using musical theatre as a medium, the project intends to shed light on the too-often silent strife that accompanies this disease. 

 

Mother Jones opens tonight!

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time at one of the final rehearsals for the musical, "Mother Jones and the Children's Crusade," which opens tonight!

Rehearsal for Mother Jones - Lynne Wintersteller (ctr), Robert Mammana (far right)

Rehearsal for Mother Jones - Lynne Wintersteller (ctr), Robert Mammana (far right)

"Mother Jones" has received lots of positive pre-opening press - and demand has been strong enough that they have added not one, but two performances. If you like an uplifting show with a strong message, this show could be for you.

Producer Ben Simpson and writer Cheryl E. Kemeny

Producer Ben Simpson and writer Cheryl E. Kemeny

Writer Cheryl E. Kemeny definitely knows her away around a musical. Co-founder of Crystal Theatre, a non-profit 501C-3 performing arts school since 1987, she is author/co-author/composer of over 30 produced musicals. Kemeny says she started writing musicals out of self-preservation - no one was writing the right roles, the right singing parts for kids. 

Lynne Wintersteller and Kevin Reed

Lynne Wintersteller and Kevin Reed

"Mother Jones" features four such kids, as well as musical theatre notables Lynne Wintersteller ("Annie") and Robin de Jesus ("In the Heights," "La Cage"). Coincidentally, Lynne played the role of Diane de Poitiers in the show I (Beth Blatt) wrote for NYMF, The Mistress Cycle. Director Michelle Tattenbaum received fabulous press for her direction of "Nobody Loves You," by Gaby Alter and Itamar Moses. Choreographer Clare Cook has her own way-cool dance company.

Lynne Wintersteller and director Michelle Tattenbaum

Lynne Wintersteller and director Michelle Tattenbaum

Lots of other great shows at NYMF as well - check them out!


Inspiring New Musical: Mother Jones and the Children's Crusade

Our friend, the very talented Michelle Tattenbaum is directing a new musical at NYMF on a truly uplifting subject: the aging woman who, at the turn of the last century, takes a ragged bunch of mill children on a march for justice. 

The show is written by Cheryl Kemeny, who has made music just about everywhere around the globe and currently runs a theater in Norwalk, CT. The wonderful Lynne Wintersteller plays Mother Jones (in a nice coincidence, Lynne was also in Hope Sings' founder Beth Blatt's show The Mistress Cycle, when it was at NYMF). Robin de Jesus of In The Heights fame also stars.

Tickets go on sale today - and the faster tickets for these scheduled performances sell out, the faster they'll add extra shows, which would be huge for everyone.  

We'll be checking out a rehearsal soon - so stay tuned for more fun inside scoops on Mother Jones!


As Dolly Parton, sings...

...Here I go again, she sings. The 2nd biopsy of my thyroid nodule is finally here, five months after the 6.8cm nodule (along with several smaller ones) was discovered and biopsied the first time. 

Oh no! It's not called Here I Go Again - it's called Here You Come Again! Talk about a double-dyslexic attack...But I get such a kick out of Dolly I'm leaving it.

There is good news.

  • I feel fine, always have. No thyroid malfunction.
  • The nodule is noticeably smaller (tho it’s still there, and tho who knows if I have normalized the cells, as I visualize in my meditations – spreading out the fried egg-like cells so they’re not overlapping, clearing up the yolks of the nuclei).
  •  I’ve really, really enjoyed this blogging, how it’s widened my focus and that of Hope Sings to include music, inspiration and wellness/healing.

After 5 months of -

  1. weekly acupuncture,
  2. major diet modification,
  3. daily meditation/visualization/blockage-specific yoga,
  4. vocalizing –
  5. not to mention the pricey electrified waters –

(maybe I should have seen  a gypsy...oops...)

After all that, I wonder: how did I do?

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(And I also wonder how much I’ll blame myself if I didn’t do well enough, which my pal Holly B brought up.  Will I feel like a failure if the nodule is still too big to leave alone and more likely the cells are cancerous - a 2nd data point the biopsy will give).

My dear friend Gail (anesthesiologist, passionate lover of life and founder of an awesome social enterprise, Spiralis Ventures) reminded me of another, perhaps even more important healing factor I hadn’t recognized:

all the prayers, positive thoughts and support I’ve received

from family, friends, practitioners and total strangers over the past months.

And that may be the best “treatment” of all. LOVE.

So if you are so inclined, on Tuesday February 11 at 8:45 am EST – send a little love wave up to Mt. Kisco NY and yours truly.

I am not scared of the procedure or the results, not at all. But I am sooooooo curious.

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The Songs We Don't Share

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I WROTE THIS, SAVED IT AS A DRAFT - AND NEVER SHARED IT!!

HOW GOOFY IS THAT? I WRITE A POST ABOUT NOT-SHARING WHICH I DON'T SHARE.

WELL SHARING IT NOW.

The very first song I created for Hope Sings was a huge leap for me.

With the blind hubris of an innocent who doesn't know any better -

  • - I approached a huge Latin star (Ruben Blades) 
  • - who graciously connected me to one of his star composers (Romulo Castro)
  • - with whom I couldn't communicate (he speaks no English, I speak no Spanish) 
  • - but who graciously agreed to write music to my micro-finance-success-story -inspired (English) lyrics
  • - over which he labored longer than I had any right to expect
  • - after which his band leader arranged and recorded the demo of the song
  • - which I sang in their garage studio in Panama City.

So - I cooked up the idea, concocted the collaboration, wrote the lyric, sang the demo - and then never released it. That was more than 3 years ago.

Why do we do that? Choke back what we feel is less than perfect? Care so much what others think of us?

Or is it just me who says -

It doesn't sound the way I want it to (in this case, it's too  "musical theatre") 

I hate my voice

It could be better

They say, Kill Your Babies, and boy, do I. I tweak and fix and edit so endlessly that I never - well, ok, rarely - finish. So many of my babies have never seen the light of day. They're sitting in files, still-born. 

In this case, I also stifled the lovely work of my collaborators, composer Romulo Castro and musician/producer Luis Thomas.

So, first of all, to them, this apology: I'm sorry I never let your work be heard. It was my fear, not any failure on your part (not that they would go there - though I would).

Second of all: I'm taking a deep breath and letting all of you hear that song now. It is not perfect. But it tells a meaningful story - of a woman named Blanca from the town of Barcenas, outside of Guatemala City. She had little money to feed or educate her family, but did break delicious bread. Full of trepidation, she approached the microfinance organization FINCA for a loan - and they gave her one. And another. And another. 

Blanca's story deserves to be heard, as does the beautiful work of Romulo and Luis. Listen past my voice, through a clunky or trite lyric, and with forgiveness.

Third of all: I am meditating on creating a stage show that tells women's stories of empowerment - a hybrid world music concert and theatre piece. I think Blanca would be perfect for it (as long as someone else sings it). What do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

Take a Risk - Live in the Grey 10 day challenge

Live in the Grey is a new community/website that advocates getting out of your comfort zone. 

Plan to fail, then figure out how you'll keep trying to get what you want.

Small things - try a new food, travel a new route to work.

What risk could you take that would scare and free you?

  1. I could sing what I write.
  2. I could go to Nashville and try to "write around."
  3. I could do nothing at all. Besides be kind, generous, loving. That's the scariest of all.

And you?

 

It's getting smaller, or, Honey, I shrunk my nodule!

I'm doing it!

My formerly 6.8cm nodule is definitely smaller than 6.8cm. 

 

The combined onslaught of my treatments - the waters, the meditation, the visualization, the yoga, the diet, the acupuncture - seems to be working.

I wonder what is having the most impact? 

The one I most feel is the acupuncture - and my acupuncturist, Regina Walsh, is the one who confirmed the shrinkage, and that the nodule feels different, too - softer.

I see Regina weekly, and every session is different. She specializes in what's called Five Elements Acupuncture, which works with the five elements (duh): wood, earth, fire, water, metal. 

Turns out, I couldn't have picked a better type of acupuncture for releasing the blockage, getting my "chi" flow going again.

See, my friend Jo wanted to have a second child. They tried and tried to get pregnant – IVF, the whole nine yards. No deal. Then she tried acupuncture - of the Five Elements variety. Within a few months, she was “with child” (the phrase Anne Boleyn uses to tell Henry the VIII in Anne of the Thousand Days).

Now, that’s releasing some serious blockage. If you have a blockage, too - TRY IT.

I’m not used to taking an hour a week in the middle of my work day and just laying there – much less paying for it – but I tell myself I am worth it (?). 

But the luxury of it!

Regina also utilizes Aromatherapy – yummy lemon, soothing lavender, invigorating geranium. Hard to believe something so indulgent can be so good for you. But Regina says she gets as good – if not better results – from lightly applying these essential oils to the energy meridians than sticking needles in them.

So if you haven't tried this stuff because you're scared of needles - fear no more! Try that Aromatherapy. You're worth it. 

 Now, for a little comic relief ;)


Yoga and My Thyroid

So, I'm doing the waters to dissolve my nodules.

And I'm meditating, visualizing, altering my diet and doing acupuncture (more on these in future posts). And I'm going to go hunting in my jewelry box for a blue gemstone (I must have a 5-karat sapphire in there I've forgotten about).

Gosh, it's amazing I'm getting anything else done (secret: I'm not) (well, not totally true).

So much for a controlled experiment on which tactic is most effective.  But I'm going for the full-on assault here. I've got a second biopsy coming in January and I am visualizing the Radiologist saying about my huge nodule,

"Wow! Where did it go? I've never seen this happen before!"

I now have something else to put on my action list.

Turns out there are yoga poses that are particularly helpful, too.

The Shoulder Stand and the Plough (from the Shoulder Stand, you drop your legs/feet down behind you to touch the floor.)

The Fish.

The Lion. This video is makes me laugh - the reference to a Kiss concert and the great depth it goes into for something pretty simple. 

Any Yoga yogis out there with more advice on good poses to flow this nodule away?

The Fish

The Lion

Gratitude, Birds and Jill Sobule

On June 13, 2013. I go to a "group reading" event with Elana Kilkenny in New Canaan, CT.

Elana is, to quote her blogan inspirational psychic, intuitive Feng Shui designer, healer, writer, and spirited teacher.” 

To quote me, "she is awesome."

Elana is HIGHLY intuitive. I met her through my friend Mindy Levine (another very inspirational individual). I had seen her for a private session about 9 months before, when I felt I was at a crossroads in my life. She summoned up some incredible insights and information – way out there (I had been a samurai??), but way right on.

So I go to this session at Rosie Cafe in New Canaan. There are about 25 of us, and we each pull a card from the tarot deck. Elana, using the cards as a psychic prompt, provides a reading for each woman (it’s all women, surprise surprise).

Somehow, I feel almost everything she says is directed to me. 

Stop telling the Old Story. TELL A NEW STORY.

Focus on the SOLUTION not the Problem. Not the Why, but THE WHAT NEXT.

Look at the world and others with INNOCENCE.

See people differently, hold them in your heart differently. 

Which of these really speak to YOU?

Now she comes to me. She says:

"I don’t know what this means, but I’m hearing, Get back to the ELEMENTAL BETH." 

(When Elana talks, it’s as if she’s channeling voices she hears. She says some people have clairvoyance – she has clairaudience.) 

Then she says/they say:

Write. Write easily, simply, just do it (thank you Nike for ruining that phrase forever). UNBLOCK yourself.

I think, This is exactly what I have known in my heart for ages. Is this the kick in the psychic butt I’ve been needing?

Next morning, I get up and a lyric leaps out. For the first time in a long time. Full-formed, like Aphrodite on the half-shell. 

See, there is this bird who sits on the rearview mirror of our old Ford Focus parked in the driveway. He checks himself out. Just about everyday. 

I see that bird, and I write. 

Red Bird

Looking in the mirror

What do you see?

 

Red Bird

Looking in my rearview mirror

Loving what you see,

Happy as can be.

                  To be a bird

                  Flyin’ free.

                  Not just any old bird

                  But a Ruby Red Bird.

                  Look at me -

                  Whee…

When I’m

Looking in the mirror

What do I see?

 

It’s like I'm looking

In the rearview mirror

Not me I see,

It’s the me I used to be.

To be a bird

                  Flyin’ free

                  Not just this old bird

                  But a groovy new bird.

                  Look at me -

             Northern cardinal

Scarlet tanager

Vermilion flycatcher

Red-breasted nuthatch

Slate-throated redstart

Rosefinch

Liwi

Oui Oui...

Red Bird

Stop looking in the mirror

And look at me

I’m a liwi - whee…

Now, I really want this to be a pop song. But that bridge - the laundry list of strange red birds - yanks me back to musical theatre land. I like that bridge. But I hate it, too. I put the lyric away.

11 weeks later, late August, they find the nodule on my thyroid. The BLOCKAGE.

As I've written before, I believe this blockage, this nodule is connected with the fact it's been years since I wrote freely, effortlessly and years since I sang at all. Okay, some of you may be rolling your eyes.  Roll away. I believe what I believe. 

Early September, I sign myself up for a songwriting class in Ridgefield CT with award-winning Kevin Briody.

In that class, I write my first piece of music ever - for "Red Bird". I write 2 other songs, too.

Early November, I record "Red Bird" – with me singing the vocal. Singing. Finally. Something I vowed to my mother I would do as I sat down after singing “Ave Maria” at her funeral 18 months earlier (she used to so love Xmas church service, the only time I sang anymore).

Then a couple of days ago, Elana sent out a note about Gratitude. Feeling and expressing gratitude restores our love of life, of others, of ourselves. She shared a few ideas about how to express. 

Writing this blog about Elana's gift is how I’m expressing my gratitude to her. For her kick in my psychic butt. 

It is also how I express my gratitude to you, Kind Readers. I now know for a fact there are a few of you out there who do read it and, miraculously, find value in it. It is that that keeps me writing it.

I ask you now: 

WHAT IS YOUR "WHY"?

I’m always looking for My WHY. Why bother to write? If it’s just for me and my notebook, it feels like masturbation (sorry for the off-color reference, but it feels the most apt).

But if you read it and find value – there’s My Why.

If someone hears one of my songs and feels infinitesimally better, if someone sings it and connects to it successfully – there’s My Why

WHAT IS YOUR "WHY" ?

It can be fame. It can be fortune. It can be sheer cussed competitiveness. It can be a song-writing contest. It can be a wedding. 

Where's My Why, my pipeline, for this new kind of song for me? A song that's kinda pop, kinda quirky (you can take Beth out of musical theatre, but you can’t take the musical theater out of Beth).

Actually, it's reminiscent of Jill Sobule. She’s kinda pop and kinda quirky. She's found her way, has her own distinct voice. Love that song she wrote about global warming (below).

There's not a lot of funny pop songwriters. Randy Newman, Loudon Wainwright III, We Might Be Giants, Alanis Morissette.  Though even Taylor Swift can be funny (2nd below).

(Who am I forgetting? Nominations, please.)

Back to the whole thesis of this series of blogs - I wonder:

If I write more funny pop songs and maybe even sing them –

will my nodule go away? 

Only one way to find out.

Have you written a funny pop song? Send it to me - if I laugh out loud, I'll post it. There's a Why for you.

OMG! I JUST REALIZED ELANA HAS RED HAIR. SO, IN THE ENGLISH PARLANCE -

SHE'S A RED BIRD

(ha)

Quantum Leaping and Sharing our Songs

The decision to drink electrically-charged waters to try to shrink my big ole’ thyroid nodule is a quantum leap I’m making - from accepted Western medical practices to little-tested alternative therapies.

 

I’m looking at Quantum Leaping in other parts of my life as well - working on blockages in any way I can that might be contributing, on a psychic level, to the blockage in my thyroid.

I have a sizable perfectionist block. Who doesn't, right?

Still. 

It keeps me from completing and sharing work I’ve done - the songs and shows I’ve created. It keeps me doing endless rewrites, the latest not necessarily any better than the one that came before, just different.

It also keeps the work of my collaborators locked in the electronic file cabinet. Not fair to them. 

Take the first song I created for Hope Sings No one has ever heard it (my husband doesn't count) (don't tell him I said that).

I went to tremendous lengths to create the song “Blanca.” I brazenly buttonholed Latin music stars, worked and reworked the lyric, traveled to Panama twice to collaborate and record the demo.

And there “Blanca” sits, in its electronic drawer. 3 years, it sits.

I have let all the lovely work of my collaborators - composer Romulo Castro and musician/producer Luis Thomas – go unheard.

I have let the inspiring story of Blanca from Barcenas - a woman who raised her family from poverty, thanks to FINCA microloans and delicious bread – go unsung.

Because -

  • It doesn't sound "pop" enough (I'm embarrassed of my musical theatre roots)
  • I don’t like my singing voice (I sang the demo) (I'm such a soprano!)
  • I ran out of money to produce it (an excuse).
  • It’s not perfect.
  • I’m afraid others will be even more critical than I am.
  • It's not perfect

In the book "Do It Wrong Quickly" e-marketing guru Mike Moran writes:

“Music is now a conversation, and feedback from your fans helps you adjust what you do every day.”

Actually, he wrote “Marketing,” not “Music,” and “customers” not “fans.” Creative license.

Seth Godin says the same thing. Ship, ship, ship. That’s the only way to improve the product.

Rodgers and Hammerstein got a musical on stage just about every year, and that’s how they became – Rodgers and Hammerstein. They shipped. Not every show they wrote was a hit. Ever hear of Pipedream

In our world of $100 (min) tickets to a Broadway show, consumers demand perfection. What a shame. Sometimes one glorious moment in an otherwise mediocre enterprise is worth the price of admission.

At a certain point you have to say WHO CARES WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS? NOTHING IS PERFECT. HERE'S MY BEST EFFORT AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME.

Let It Go

Like you have to let a child be who they are.

Let It Go.

Like stress. Insecurity. The laundry.

Let It Go

LIke this song.

Let Blanca Go

(shades of the Wizard of Oz)

To Romulo and Luis: my heartfelt apologies. Here is your song. And a promise: I will produce it with a better voice than mine. it will be a big part of Hope Sings the Musical. (more on that soon!).

What “songs” are you hiding? Share them with me. Please. Let your babies out.

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Can I Shatter My Wine Glass? (or Healing the Singer)

It’s a muggy day in June, and my friend Susan and I (plus my friend Sharon) are doing hydro-calisthenics in Susan's pool in Wilton, CT.

Susan is telling me how she was cured of Lyme disease after 3 years of being on and off antibiotics.

By drinking electrically charged waters.

I’m only listening with half an ear because I’m busy treading water (I really do not like hydro-calisthenics).

90 days later I am on the phone with Susan, listening with both ears wide open. Doctor S. has found a mongo nodule in my thyroid, and I don’t want to leap to surgery. I want to try something “alternative.” 

For those of you who don’t know from alternative therapies, there are LOTS of them.  There’s -

Acupuncture, Chinese herbs, Qi Gong, Feng Shui, laser therapy, hydrotherapy, diet, reiki, crystals, aromatherapy, homeopathy, meditation, crystals, toning, aromatherapy, colors - even healing with Tibetan bowls.

And more.

Many of these therapies work by releasing blockages in our energy meridians - channels that connect our body in somewhat mysterious ways (stick a needle in your left ankle and your right elbow feels better – I speak from experience).

Some treatments, more specifically, stimulate and restore healthy vibrational balance. And that’s what these electrically-charged waters do. It’s called VIBRATIONAL HEALING (or Quantum Healing), and master herbalogist Andrea Candee is the one who “cured” Susan.

For those of you with Lyme disease – or a loved one with it - Andrea has an extraordinary cure rate for what has come to be, for many, an uncurable condition through a combination of these waters, in combination with with herbs and a low-inflammatory diet.

Vibrational Healing, as practiced by Andrea and a handful of others around the world, is based on the laws of Quantum Physics. Everything has a specific vibration, a specific wave pattern, even solid items. Expose one item and its vibration to an object with the exact opposite vibration – and that first item disintegrates.

Just like the opera singer and the wine glass. When her high note vibrates in directly inverse waves to the crystal champagne glass – you guessed it.

Ditto for pathogens - bacteria, viruses, parasites, etc in your body that cause disease. They have vibrations. Introduce the opposite wave to them, and they dissolve.

And how do you introduce those waves into your body?

You drink them. Electrically charged waters.

It’s more complicated than a blog can support. If you're interested, read more at  Healers Who Share. 

So – back to that phone call. When I hang up, I’m super excited.

However, after 20 minutes of fruitless Google searching, I’m nervous.

There is zero about it on-line. Except on Andrea’s and Healers websites.

But you know, I’m like this: once I’ve opened the door and looked in the room, I can’t not go in. I will always wonder, Brando-like, what might have been.

I guess this is my Quantum Leap. Pun intended.

I decide to do it. 

Though the doctors say my thyroid needs to come out, I've now got a way to see if I can avoid that. As they say, it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

En Vogue didn't just say it - they sang it!

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The Road Less Taken - and Why We Make Art

Which way do I go? Follow everyone else, or strike out on my own?

I'm talking about treatment for the huge nodule in my thyroid.

So, to recap:

  1. Doctor S. finds aforesaid huge nodule in the left side of my thyroid.
  2. Odds are 15-20% it’s cancer.
  3. He recommends I have it out. Don't mess with cancer, and the nodule is huge. Have it out.
  4. I’m not so sure.
  5. I start looking at alternatives.
  6. I fall in love with Dr. Bernie (Siegel) who believes in the connections between our thoughts/feelings and disease. 
  7. I wonder what's going on with my thoughts/feelings and this dis-ease.

So now:

  1. I press the doctors for other options to immediate surgery.
  2. They say it’s ok to wait a few months and re-biopsy, get a second set of cells for more clarity on the big C.

So that’s what I decide to do. Wait.

As I wait, I wonder:

  1. What have other people done, in the same situation?
  2. Has anyone not taken it out?
  3. How do I find out?

I google around. Not much. Huh.

I go on Facebook. I ask friends.

It seems everyone follows their doctors’ recommendations. Most have it out. Only two regretted the choice  - one because her parathyroids were compromised, the other because she can't get the dose of replacement hormone quite right and now has weight/energy issues. 

I’m surprised. Nobody tried anything short of surgery?

I’m also a bit nervous. Am I overreacting? Really, no biggie, have it out.  I am clearly so in the minority.

But I can’t seem to let it go. Like Robert Frost, I'm inclining toward the path less traveled.

Part of it has to do with that weight gain thing. Petty, I know. But I was a chubby child. (The neighbors used to chant, “Two Ton Tilly was a hippo, the fattest of the fattest of the hippos.“) My weight fluctuated over the years, but has stabilized at a reasonable level since I had my son. I largely processed those fat demons through my writing (see video below). But I have no desire to reconstitute them.

NOW HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART:

How have YOU processed emotional scars with your art? 

Please SHARE –

I’d love to share your stories of

HOW ART DEALS AND HEALS.

And for me and my thyroid – what next?

Maybe I should let it go. But the problem is: I’m really interested in this journey. In your journey.

  • Why does disease appear where it does? For me, at the figurative center of my creative life – my voice.
  • And why does it appear when it does? For me, when I had already downshifted from a lot of career pressures. Did I intuit it was coming?

I think I know the answer - answers. More on that in the next post.

Until then -  Creative Coach Eric Maisel – genius – has great tips for breaking through creative blockages, whether you’re designing costumes or composing music on the computer. Check him out!

Alicia Krakauer sings "You Are What You Are," music by Jenny Giering, lyrics by Beth Blatt. From The Mistress Cycle. David Gardos on piano, Jonny Maldonado on guitar.

I Love You, Bernie

Have I ever not taken a doctor’s advice?

(Have you? Think about it).

Maybe I’ve not followed it to the letter – not been super respectful of all the stretching reps I’m supposed to do for a shoulder injury – but I’ve always been a pretty obedient gal – a Good Girl - in all ways.

So I wonder why I am not jumping to do what Doctor S. (as I’ll call him, in the German style) has recommended. Take out my thyroid. At least, the half with the huge nodule.

I don’t even feel conflicted or guilty about this insubordination. Doctor S. may end up being right and it may be Bye Bye Thy – but I am clear I have some stuff to figure out first.

Can I shrink this big ole nodule? If I can do that, half my problem (the sheer size of it) diminishes as well.

And if I can shrink it, can I normalize those irregular Hurthle cells, too, while I’m at it?

Not 2 minutes into my Google search, the Universe gives me a powerful ally: Dr. Bernie Siegel (or just Bernie, as he prefers it).

Bernie's book, “Love, Medicine and Miracles,” is subtitled “Lessons Learned About Self-Healing from a Surgeon’s Experience with Exceptional Patients.”

A Western doctor talking about “self-healing”? I like it already.

And not another 2 minutes after that, my brother returns my earlier call so I can update him on my situation.  Bill has bravely and brilliantly dealt with MS with a combination of medication, meditation, biofeedback and diet. He has actually reversed lesions in his brain. That never happens.

I tell him my good news: that the cancer chance for my nodule is low (15-20%), that all my tests for thyroid function are normal.  I tell him I’m not rushing to take it out.

I ask Bill if there are any books I should read.  This is the first time I’ve been “sick.” He is a law professor who is incredibly thorough about everything and a very, very deep thinker (I say he is an oil well, I am an oil spill).

Guess his first recommendation. Yup.

Though Bernie is a surgeon, he doesn’t feel like his major job is cutting (for anyone who knows a surgeon, this is pretty extraordinary).

Bernie believes that -

We …”can change the body by dealing with how we feel.
“...emotional growth toward greater self-acceptance and fulfillment helps keep the immune system strong.”
“...most self-induced cures don’t get into the medical literature.”
Illness “can allow a person to take time off to reflect, meditate, and chart a new course.”
(All bolding is mine).

And lastly, he suggests we ask the $64 question:

Why did you need this illness?

There is no blame in his question, no fault implied. 

So - if you are not well – in ways minor or major – I ask you what I am asking myself:

Why did you need this illness?

 

Doctor my eyes
Cannot see the sky
Is this the prize for having learned how not to cry?

 

What Happens When You Stop Singing (or Thank You, Universe, for The Ear Infection) – Part II

On August 23rd, I go to the ENT for an ear infection. I’ve never had an ear infection before in my life. I'm really healthy, and don't even have a primary care doctor. 

I wouldn’t even be at this ENT if this ear infection weren’t really, really persistent, resisting 3 courses of antibiotics (which I haven’t been on in years – did I mention I’m really healthy?) and multiple visits to the GP at the Emergency Care Center.

Thank you, Universe, for getting me to a real ear doctor.

So after the ENT vacuums the wax out my ear (ouch), he catches a glimpse of my neck and says, "Whoa, that's a big mass you've got there."

It’s funny, but my reaction is a total lack of alarm.

Six days later, the ultrasound guy confirms it is, indeed, big: a  6.7 cm nodule on the left side of my thyroid (which is shaped like a butterfly, for those of us ignorant about thyroids). The size gets a Wow out of him, but also some comforting perspective (he sees nodules all the time - though maybe not this big).

I remain unalarmed.

The next day I have a biopsy (a FNA, for you detail-oriented types), and a few days later I get the results. 15-20% chance the nodule is cancerous. That's not very high, I think. ENT thinks I should take it out (the thyroid, that is, at least the left side, and maybe the right, too, while they're in there).

Really, I think? That low a risk, and take it out? Just like that? 

Better safe than sorry ( which I can get). And even if that nodule isn’t cancerous, it is really big. 

I'm not so sure. And still unalarmed. 

Three days later, I luck into a cancellation from the endocrinologist (again, thank you, Universe). His recommendation: take the thyroid out (again, Really?). Though he does say it would be safe to wait a few months, get a second biopsy, maybe even a second opinion on that biopsy, then there would be a greater degree of certainty on the cancer front. But even if it isn’t cancerous - you guessed it: it’s awful big. Get it out.

And yes – I'm unflaggingly unalarmed. Kinda strange. Kinda nice.

I do get their point of view. The nodule will (may?) keep growing. It will require regular oversight. It may be a constant cause of concern (or not).

I do hear their advice. They are excellent physicians. I like them. I trust them. They see thyroid problems all the time. This is standard operating procedure (literally). 

I ask both doctors what caused the nodule. Neither hazards a guess. It seems – irrelevant?

I ask both doctors if there’s a way to shrink the size of the nodule, since size seems as much a concern as the cancer. Neither makes a suggestion (the one option, radioactive iodine, is not an option).

They tell me the thyroid is merely a sort of factory. It manufactures certain hormones, but doesn’t decide how much of them to make or how to use them. They tell me there are manmade hormones indistinguishable from the real ones the thyroid makes, and that 95% of people take that one pill a day (for life) and never notice the difference.

The doctors believe taking out my thyroid is no biggie.

I believe the parts of the body are amazingly, magically, beautifully interconnected.

I believe the mind has tremendous control over the body.

I believe I’m not going to “take it out.” Not yet.

As Dr. Bernie Siegel says in his book, Love, Medicine and Miracles, “physical symptoms are often only the ‘tickets of admission’ to a process of self-discovery and spiritual change.”

He then quotes a poem by the French poet, Guillaume Apollinaire about taking a leap of faith:

Come to the edge.
No, we will fall.
Come to the edge.
No, we will fall.
They came to the edge.
He pushed them, and they flew.

 

Am I going to fly – am I going to fall? What do I do next?

(on the subject of flying - take a break with this classic Steve Miller tune. You gotta check out the lyrics. Who knew you shoed children??)